Reflections & New Resolutions

Well friends, here we are at the end of another year. This year was quite a doozy. I really had no idea what was in store for us last year at this time.who really does, right? Many big things were right around the corner. I usually look back fondly at the year around this time and think about all the awesome things that have happened, and this year definitely has its share of positive things, but I'm not going to sugar coat it: this year was tough! This year has probably been the hardest year of my life. I have found myself saying that a lot this year, and I keep wondering, but why is it harder? Are the circumstances that much crazier than other years? And, I guess it all comes down to this: I've had tough seasons and tough things before, but never so many at the same time. Something really happens to you when you try to process so many changes all once. I found myself saying a lot this year "that this is all just too much to handle." I really felt as if I was cracking under the pressure. I feel like every "one thing" was manageable. Even hard things. I've always feel like I can get through anything if I put my mind to it and with God's help of course. I have been proud of my ability to do so. But I'm the kind of person that likes to get one thing "in order", so to say, before moving on to the next. That has been the toughest. Nothing has really been "in order" before moving on to the next ones. And for me, that's just like an ongoing list of things that keeps on getting longer, without checking anything off. OCD nightmare.  I think this is why I've seriously struggled just making sense and bringing order to all the changes. The big things that happened this year (that I'll share about here) included my husband getting deployed for 6 months while I stayed behind with our son (6 months old when he left/12 when came home) and all that that involved, finding out I had some tough postpartum problems that began a long battle of pain and depression I'm still fighting, losing my grandma on my mom's side, losing a used-to-be close friend and not understanding the "why" or getting to be there to say goodbye, packing up a house/life in San Antonio/ the place we really called home, renting out our house and moving overseas to Germany, learning to adapt and figure out new life here in Germany (this process is still in the works), starting our travels around Europe with Italy & England, watching friendships change as all the above happened, getting pregnant with our baby girl and all that this involves preparing for/coping with how it affects previously mentioned issues, and lastly, dealing with all the anxiety, at times depression, and at times PTSD like behaivior, if I'm being completely honest, that I've had since trying to juggle all of these big things and the all the other little ones. WHAT A YEAR. Holy smokes. Can you fit anything else in there? There have been a lot of tears. There have been a lot of prayers. And then there has been sweet joy in reunion, adventure, and expectation. And the word that just sums it up is one we're familiar with a lot here in this home: Grace. Grace extended, grace received, and grace so graciously gifted. I've really felt a whirlwind of confusion with God's plan for my life and my family's life this year. I feel like I've just been surviving on the spiritual roller coaster on this one. Yet, grace is always there. To pick me up. To dust off the mess I make of things. To remind me who I am when I question every aspect. To hold me when I cry, even when I don't feel anything. To give me a home and arms to run to when I feel abandoned. To embrace me with reminders of joy and beauty. To shine it's light when I let darkness flood in. To remind me how utterly incapable I am but how amazingly capable and mighty HE is! This has really been the lesson I've learned this year: that I am nothing without him. I really feel like I came to the end of myself. I've seen how weak I am. I usually leave seasons of challenge feeling accomplished and strong, but not on this one. I just feel weaker in myself. If you'd ever prayed the prayer, "less of me and more of You, God" you'll know what I mean here. And it's funny, because I know I've prayed that a few times this year, and I've been one to mention to be careful what you pray for, because God really does fulfill it, just in ways you often never expect. (For example, do NOT pray for patience unless you are prepared for the consequences ;-) ). I've been thinking I haven't got any true "answers" this year, but maybe I have. This is my "Aha!" moment! God has stripped away the "me." I've lost some of my "identities," so to say. Most of what I mean here stems from the physical stuff I'm going through. So much of my identity has always been in being active, running, being outdoorsy, "competing with the guys" so to say. I have hope I haven't come to the end of it forever now, but I've "lost" some of these identities in the struggles this year. I've really thought I lost part of me, but maybe I'm really just finding me. I am not in what I do or the roles I have. I am who I am in Christ at all times. My worth is there and no where else. So you see, maybe I've truly found "less of me and more of Him" this year

. So, I'll choose to end this year on a positive, taking away this bigger picture idea as to what God may have been planning for me through this season. And, I'll continue to let Him strip away what is unnecessary in this new year and build me back up in Him. Here are a few of my New Years Resolutions for 2016.

*Establish a deeper relationship with the Lord

-Read my bible through in a year or less

-Have a faithful expectation of hope, joy, and healing this year!

-Trust God with all my plans-specifically, let Him determine the steps in the birth of our little girl and the healing process after. 

-Focus less on the solutions to problems and more on the "Solver" 

*Embrace what I can do, not dwell on the can't. 

*Enjoy life overseas. Focus on what is here and our opportunities and less on what I miss from home.

*Make a good friend here! 

*Choose my words carefully- build up my family and friends!

*Cherish each moment with my son and soon-to-arrive daughter! (Remember that I cannot get these days back)

*Practice being joyful and grateful each day! 

I don't take these things lightly. I'm really praying for God to bring these to fruition this year. I'm going in to the new year with great expectation! And in leaving this one behind me. Here's to a new year, and a new opportunity to let God work His wonders.

** I hope that in being transparent with some of the the beautiful things and the ugly things in my life, that you will see Christ at work in it all. He uses everything, friends! Please don't think your mess is too big for Him. Let Grace in this year. Let the light flood your darkness. Or, just let it illuminate the beauty He has already brought you. 

Happy New Year!!! :):)

Also, someone please toast a glass of wine or champagne for me! ;-)