Reflections & New Resolutions

Well friends, here we are at the end of another year. This year was quite a doozy. I really had no idea what was in store for us last year at this time.who really does, right? Many big things were right around the corner. I usually look back fondly at the year around this time and think about all the awesome things that have happened, and this year definitely has its share of positive things, but I'm not going to sugar coat it: this year was tough! This year has probably been the hardest year of my life. I have found myself saying that a lot this year, and I keep wondering, but why is it harder? Are the circumstances that much crazier than other years? And, I guess it all comes down to this: I've had tough seasons and tough things before, but never so many at the same time. Something really happens to you when you try to process so many changes all once. I found myself saying a lot this year "that this is all just too much to handle." I really felt as if I was cracking under the pressure. I feel like every "one thing" was manageable. Even hard things. I've always feel like I can get through anything if I put my mind to it and with God's help of course. I have been proud of my ability to do so. But I'm the kind of person that likes to get one thing "in order", so to say, before moving on to the next. That has been the toughest. Nothing has really been "in order" before moving on to the next ones. And for me, that's just like an ongoing list of things that keeps on getting longer, without checking anything off. OCD nightmare.  I think this is why I've seriously struggled just making sense and bringing order to all the changes. The big things that happened this year (that I'll share about here) included my husband getting deployed for 6 months while I stayed behind with our son (6 months old when he left/12 when came home) and all that that involved, finding out I had some tough postpartum problems that began a long battle of pain and depression I'm still fighting, losing my grandma on my mom's side, losing a used-to-be close friend and not understanding the "why" or getting to be there to say goodbye, packing up a house/life in San Antonio/ the place we really called home, renting out our house and moving overseas to Germany, learning to adapt and figure out new life here in Germany (this process is still in the works), starting our travels around Europe with Italy & England, watching friendships change as all the above happened, getting pregnant with our baby girl and all that this involves preparing for/coping with how it affects previously mentioned issues, and lastly, dealing with all the anxiety, at times depression, and at times PTSD like behaivior, if I'm being completely honest, that I've had since trying to juggle all of these big things and the all the other little ones. WHAT A YEAR. Holy smokes. Can you fit anything else in there? There have been a lot of tears. There have been a lot of prayers. And then there has been sweet joy in reunion, adventure, and expectation. And the word that just sums it up is one we're familiar with a lot here in this home: Grace. Grace extended, grace received, and grace so graciously gifted. I've really felt a whirlwind of confusion with God's plan for my life and my family's life this year. I feel like I've just been surviving on the spiritual roller coaster on this one. Yet, grace is always there. To pick me up. To dust off the mess I make of things. To remind me who I am when I question every aspect. To hold me when I cry, even when I don't feel anything. To give me a home and arms to run to when I feel abandoned. To embrace me with reminders of joy and beauty. To shine it's light when I let darkness flood in. To remind me how utterly incapable I am but how amazingly capable and mighty HE is! This has really been the lesson I've learned this year: that I am nothing without him. I really feel like I came to the end of myself. I've seen how weak I am. I usually leave seasons of challenge feeling accomplished and strong, but not on this one. I just feel weaker in myself. If you'd ever prayed the prayer, "less of me and more of You, God" you'll know what I mean here. And it's funny, because I know I've prayed that a few times this year, and I've been one to mention to be careful what you pray for, because God really does fulfill it, just in ways you often never expect. (For example, do NOT pray for patience unless you are prepared for the consequences ;-) ). I've been thinking I haven't got any true "answers" this year, but maybe I have. This is my "Aha!" moment! God has stripped away the "me." I've lost some of my "identities," so to say. Most of what I mean here stems from the physical stuff I'm going through. So much of my identity has always been in being active, running, being outdoorsy, "competing with the guys" so to say. I have hope I haven't come to the end of it forever now, but I've "lost" some of these identities in the struggles this year. I've really thought I lost part of me, but maybe I'm really just finding me. I am not in what I do or the roles I have. I am who I am in Christ at all times. My worth is there and no where else. So you see, maybe I've truly found "less of me and more of Him" this year

. So, I'll choose to end this year on a positive, taking away this bigger picture idea as to what God may have been planning for me through this season. And, I'll continue to let Him strip away what is unnecessary in this new year and build me back up in Him. Here are a few of my New Years Resolutions for 2016.

*Establish a deeper relationship with the Lord

-Read my bible through in a year or less

-Have a faithful expectation of hope, joy, and healing this year!

-Trust God with all my plans-specifically, let Him determine the steps in the birth of our little girl and the healing process after. 

-Focus less on the solutions to problems and more on the "Solver" 

*Embrace what I can do, not dwell on the can't. 

*Enjoy life overseas. Focus on what is here and our opportunities and less on what I miss from home.

*Make a good friend here! 

*Choose my words carefully- build up my family and friends!

*Cherish each moment with my son and soon-to-arrive daughter! (Remember that I cannot get these days back)

*Practice being joyful and grateful each day! 

I don't take these things lightly. I'm really praying for God to bring these to fruition this year. I'm going in to the new year with great expectation! And in leaving this one behind me. Here's to a new year, and a new opportunity to let God work His wonders.

** I hope that in being transparent with some of the the beautiful things and the ugly things in my life, that you will see Christ at work in it all. He uses everything, friends! Please don't think your mess is too big for Him. Let Grace in this year. Let the light flood your darkness. Or, just let it illuminate the beauty He has already brought you. 

Happy New Year!!! :):)

Also, someone please toast a glass of wine or champagne for me! ;-)

Baby Emma Grace Wheeler:Weeks 20&21

I will start this update with the wonderful news that we got last week: baby wheeler is a girl!!! We are so excited to meet baby Emma Grace Wheeler! A little background on the name: Daniel and I have had the name Emma picked out since we were dating. In fact, when we were engaged the first time, (yep, were awesome enough to have 2 engagements! ;-)) we made a video and mentioned our future daughter Emma in there. If only I could find that video now...needless to say, we've been dreaming about our little Emma and what she would look like/act like for years. We also mentioned the name Gideon while dating. I laughed and said I would never use that name. I thought it was "too biblical" or something. Haha. Well, here we are now. I guess you could say we knew all along we'd have an Emma & Gideon. Time is mysterious and awesome in remembering just the thoughts of these two...:) Back to Emma though, we spent years playing with different middle names. We came to Grace because grace has been so beautifully displayed in our lives. God has given us so much grace, and we have extended it to each other so much over the years. We wanted to honor God's grace in our lives and in his gracious gift to us in the form of this little girl. Emma Grace, we love you so much, and mommy and daddy cannot wait to meet you!

Now, on to the updates. :)

How far along? 21 weeks 2 days today

How big is the baby? Banana, 7 in., 11oz. (She weighed 11oz at the ultrasound last week so she may be closer to a pound now)

Total weight gain/loss: 

Haven't weighed myself this week, but I think I'm still at about 9 (maybe 10) pounds overall now. 

Maternity clothes? Some, but I find that a lot of regular things look good with a bump bc they are tight enough without being too tight. Some maternity stuff is so loose that you can't wear it until you're about to pop lol

Sleep? I've been tired a lot. Especially having to be up a little longer last week with a sick toddler, but we're back to our usual schedule now of him sleeping 12-13 hours. It's magical...what am I gonna do in a few months!?

Best moment this week? Gideon knows how to say and sign baby when looking at my belly. It's the sweetest. 

Also, we booked tickets for my mom to come in March this week! I'm so excited!

Symptoms? Emotional and moody need their own pregnancy definitions. There are not enough words. 

But seriously? Lol 

Also tired, backaches and pelvic pressure  are terrible right now boooo

Food cravings?  Sugar and spice and everything nice...;) 

Food aversions? Nope 

Gender? Girl!! I've already picked her crib, bedding, and decor. So excited to set up her "room".( She's sharing with Gideon here so she really only gets a wall, but it'll be a cute!)

Labor signs? Nope. I'm still terrified of any feeling like labor. I seriously am traumatized from my labor with Gideon. I'm still not sure on the c section vs vaginally delivery yet but I know I'm getting an epidural if I go vaginal. Give me the meds! Ha. I tried the natural thing, and I'm not going back there now. Sadly, I got none of the great benefits from that, I think it did me more harm than good. But that's a story that's over and done. I just want two healthy babes and a moderately in tact body myself and I'll call it good. I think some of us women waste so much energy trying to plan for the perfect natural delivery sometimes (I'm guilty of doing this with Gideon!),  and we think it has to look a certain way, but I've learned my share of things through experience and honestly, it doesn't matter. A healthy baby and momma matter, but all the pressures of everything else just don't. Do what's right for you, your circumstances, and your baby, that's it. (Sorry, I'll get off my soap box now ;-))

Belly button in or out? In ish lol 

What I'm looking forward to? Not being pregnant and fixing the issues I've got. I'm just not enjoying the pregnant part of this one, but I'm stinkin' excited about my little girl!

Milestones? Less than half way! It's crunch time to get everything ready. I don't like waiting until the last minute, so my goal is get things done my March and just wait on baby girl in April/May. 

Bump? Yep yep! Growing everyday. 

20 weeks & 1 day with baby GIRL!

Already starting Emma's wardrobe. 

Bedding we picked!

20 weeks 6 days (let's just count this for 21) 

These memes are perfect!! They crack me up.

With Gideon I felt so beautiful and ...it's a little tougher now. I really think it's the girl hormones! 

And a Gideon pic of course.:) he was terrified of Santa...I never thought he'd be that kid. I tried to get in the pic to help but nope Lol 

Until next week ya'll! I really need to do some other blogs...I didn't want this to just be pregnancy stuff. Oh well. I write when I can write. :)

Baby Wheeler # 2: week 19

Well, this has been a harder week for me. There's a lot I could talk about with this but basically, after another OB appt., I'm  stuck with the hard decision of c section vs natural delivery. There is no easy answer on this one for my pelvic floor situation. I'm pretty much gonna have pain regardless (not just birth pain, I totally get that that's normal, trust me). And, they may not offer the repair I need here at this base, so once again, I've been sinking into a bit of depression with this stuff. I just want to feel good again so I can be the best mom I can be. Who knew I would have to give up so much of me in the process of becoming a mom. I know that's dramatic sounding, but this stuff is just weighing on me so much. It's a daily struggle to deal with, and I just want the hope that I'll be okay and get it taken care of, and have doctors that know what they're doing. The worry of this has taken away from purely just having excitement about the coming baby, and I hate that. So all of this to say, I just have tough decisions to make and I feel I'm walking such a lonely and unfamiliar road with this stuff. Please pray for me and my little family, friends. We really need some favor here. Other than this, baby is doing great and I'm thankful for this gift. Really, I am. I'm just figuring out how this gift will arrive. Lol and frankly, as I've read on other blogs recently with the few women out there that understand my struggle right now, "there is just no good way to birth a baby." Haha. It's a tough business being a woman sometimes, and I am even more in awe of all we go through to bring our babies into the world and nurture them. It's a gift. But it's not without its sacrifices. 

Without further babbling, here's my week with baby "it" :)

How far along? 19 weeks 5 days  

How big is the baby? Tomato 6 in, .5 pounds 

Total weight gain/loss? Seriously somehow I've shot up to about 6-9 pounds overall. The last few weeks my body has decided to blow up. Oh my word! Overall, it's not a bad gain, but darn, I need my body to work with me on gradual gain here. 

Maternity clothes? Some, but mostly regular stuff still.

Sleep? Sleep is good when I'm not coughing all night. I've had a cold again this week. 

Best moment this week? Baby movements and all the excitement of the Christmas season  

Symptoms? Emotional as always. Seriously, I think I scare my husband with my sudden mood changes. He described an incident yesterday when he came downstairs by himself to diffuse a situation as him being "in shock" by my sudden outburst of emotion. Haha. He's a good husband.  But for real, it's craziness around here. And, I just cry at any movie or video I watch. Even Kid stuff with Gideon. I was just balling the other day over Shrek. I'm. A. Mess.

Other than this, plenty of other great things like acne or "bacne". It is glamorous around here ;-)

Food cravings?  Salsa! I made the best homemade salsa last week and I can't get enough. 

And still other spicy stuff. Love me some red chili pepper :)

Food aversions? Nope 

Gender? 3 days away from finding out ya'll! Omg. I'm so excited! I really feel so torn though. Part of me feels I should prepare to hear the word "boy" but than again, I just feel like I've got extra raging girl hormones in me, so we shall see!!!

Labor signs? Nope 

Belly button in or out? In 

What I'm looking forward to? Finding out the gender and seeing the baby on ultrasound in general! It always makes it more real to see the little love growing inside. 

Milestones? More baby movements and halfway there this weekend!! 

Bump? Yep yep! Growing everyday. 

I took this at 15 weeks 2 days

I saw this meme the other day. Spot on! Haha

And a Gideon pic of course.:) he loves Nutella. 

Baby Wheeler # 2: Weeks 17 & 18

I've been slacking on my posts again since traveling. (Travel blog coming next!) Here is the update for the little nugget for the last 2 weeks. 

How far along? 18 weeks 4 days today  

How big is the baby? Sweet potato 5.5 inches 5 ounces 

Total weight gain/loss? About 5-6 pounds I think. I was at like no gain until our vacations started...coincidence? I don't know. Yikes...trust me, trying not to gain fast! Shockingly,  I'm still under my starting weight with Gideon. I have much less muscle now, so I know that's probably it. But hey, it makes me feel skinnier ;-)

Maternity clothes? A few. I don't have many things besides warmer weather clothes so that's hard to use bc it's so darn cold here! 

Sleep? Sleeping good at night. I love our tempur pedic mattress. The rest just don't compare. 

Best moment this week? All the baby movements. It's feeling more real 

Symptoms? Emotional as always but doing better to stay in control ;-) 

Baby movements

My other pelvic issues are another story. I've been in a lot more pain with them again. Maybe the baby growing is starting to cause more problems now. Things are definitely getting worse in this regard. Pelvic pressure is through the roof most of the time. I have to pee every five minutes (bladder prolapse related). And I get burning pain a lot. And there's more, but that's the PG version. I am terrified of growing bigger and putting more pressure on it though. Not too mention if I have to push this kid out (another story. We'll figure the plan for this vs c section soon) Normal people complain about pelvic pressure in pregnancy so this is 10x worse. Oh, please pray for me. 

Food cravings?  No real cravings I guess, but when I want something, I want it. We ate some yummy food in London. And as usual, I drink too much coffee. I'm a little worried this baby is gonna be a caffeine addict. 

Food aversions? Nothing except when I think about September and all the food I tried to eat then sounds sick. I think it's just the thought of feeling so yucky again that makes me sick. 

Gender? Less than 2 weeks to go to find out!! I cannot wait!! I really think it could be my little girl (whose name most people know bc we've had it picked since dating but I'll wait to reveal it when/if it's official)! I really have prepared my heart for this, and I wish I hadn't because I don't want to be disappointed. I know I'll be so happy with another little boy, but I just feel like along with Gideon, I'm meant to have a little girl that I've been dreaming of with Daniel for some time now and this is my last pregnancy (unless I get a miracle!) so I just hope...but God knows best, I always remind myself. He certainly brought me the perfect son with Gideon. I stinking love that kid... Great, now I'm going to tear up. (Freaking hormones!!! ;-) ) 

Daniel is back to second guessing his prediction. He is adamant that his predictions for all our friends are right and that he is waiting to make this one official. He says maybe boy because he thinks I'm not that big. (I told him I'm HUGE! Haha and reminded him of my raging hormones that were so not like this with Gideon)

Suspense.is.killing.me !!! 

Labor signs? I've had a few times when I get nervous I'm going to have this baby too early with the stress other issues. I don't know why I can't shake the feeling that I could have this baby too early. In Jesus' name, I will deliver (whether natural or c section not sure yet ) a healthy baby on its perfect time!! 

Belly button in or out? In but it's suspiciously looking like it might pop out. Lol 

What I miss? I should just delete this one. 

What I'm looking forward to? Finding out the gender on Dec. 14th!! Did I tell you I was excited about that already?

Milestones? More baby movements and almost halfway there!!! 

Bump? Yep yep, no denying it now.

17 weeks after our thanksgiving dinner at church

18 weeks in London this past Sunday 

And of course, a Gideon pic. He loves to drum on his belly, so I copied him. Haha we were opening up his first book for our "25 days of books" activity in the Wheeler house this year :) 

**Random funny bonus story: This week,  as Gideon and I were using his signing picture cards to practice words and signs, he stopped to pull up my shirt and touch my belly.( I've been showing him my belly and telling him to "say hi to baby" in hopes he'll start to make a connection.) Well, after he touched my stomach, he reached down and picked up a picture card for pig and showed me... Touché, kid. A clever coincidence? ;-) I died laughing. 

 

Baby wheeler # 2: Week 16

How far along? 16 weeks 3 days 

How big is the baby? Avocado 3-5 inches 4-5 ounces 

Total weight gain/loss? About 3 pounds. I think it all came from Italy ;-)

Maternity clothes? When I feel like it still. 

Sleep? Really tired lately. I wish I had a couple days to do nothing but sleep, lay in bed, and watch Netflix. But yeah right...maybe in 18 years?;)

Best moment this week?  Baby movements! Little flutters. I think I'm finally starting to feel them. 

And having a good 16 week visit to the ob gyn. I got a new doctor and she was much nicer than my last. We are going to be meeting another doctor in a few weeks that she recommended I talk to to get info on the possibility of a c section this time around. We will see what we learn. 

Symptoms? Emotional, tired, hungry all the time...ya know, the usual 

Food cravings? I ate way too much bread, candy, and gelato in Italy this past week. Oh my. 

Food aversions? All the fast food on base because it's the majority of what I ate that first month here and it reminds me of how yucky I felt. 

Gender? We REALLY think this could be our little girl. And the doctor did a quick ultrasound at the 16 week visit yesterday and didn't find any evidence of a boy. We know it's not official, so we're so excited to find out the gender in a few weeks at the big ultrasound. We hope baby cooperates! 

Labor signs? Nope

Belly button in or out? In 

What I miss? There's the  usual things I've already mentioned before, but I'm content right now.:-)

What I'm looking forward to? Finding out the gender in few weeks! Dec. 14th!!

Milestones? Baby flutters/movements 

Bump? Yep it's there for sure. 

Just excuse my tired face. I have a cold right now, boo. 

And because I always think it's better to include a Gideon pic, and I love this one from Venice. He looks like a grown little man here!

The Wheeler's Travel Europe:Venice

         Venice, Italy: November 2015 

Alright folks, time for my first travel post. We just got back a couple days ago from our first European adventure in Venice, Italy. We decided to kick off our travels on our anniversary which is on November 11 (happy 3 years to my amazing hubs!). I've posted a lot of pictures to Facebook already, but I want to make a habit of sharing some highlights from each trip and both the things I love/didn't love of each place just for reference. 

This was our first trip, and as you can imagine, not everything always starts of as planned. Ours started with our son, who we forced out of his cozy crib at 3:00am to make our flight, puking in the backseat on the way to the airport. Of course, because we are in Europe and traveling on a small airline, I really tried to be minimal with packing (even though we still looked like THAT American family trying to cart our luggage through the tiny city), so I left no room for ruining the day's outfit for him before it started. Fun stuff. He was okay, just not ready to be awake and drinking milk in the backseat of an extremely foggy drive through the hills. ;-) All in all, with some other "setbacks" our first day in this romantic city on our anniversary didn't look very romantic or loving for Daniel and I. Luckily, we redeemed our trip and romance ;-) despite my initial attitude (can I blame pregnancy hormones please?), and managed to have a lot of fun.  Overall, we learned that traveling with kids is not going to be easy, and we have a really chill kid, but it's just makes everything a little harder.  However, we are so happy to be able to have such cool experiences with our son. And it's so worth it to experience these things as a family. Plus, Gideon really loved it. And everyone loved him. He got used to hearing "Ciao bello" or "hello beautiful," from everyone. 

Without further ado, here are some of the highlights of our trip to Venice! 

St mark's square was beautiful. The birds were crazy. 

Bakeries and pastries were everywhere! So delicious. I gained a few pounds there, no joke. 

Beautiful views and architecture everywhere! 

The Guggenheim museum! So cool. And we managed to look at pictures with a toddler. Victory, right there!

We tried to sneak in some romantic moments while Gideon napped in the stroller. 

Really cool library with books everywhere! 

Coffee! Needs no caption

Hot sangria. We had never heard of warm wine until moving to Europe. It is big here, and Daniel says it's great!

Fancy lobster and crab lunch on the water.

Cheese, meat, and wine(for Daniel of course-so jealous!) 

Beautiful city 

Fun with this guy! 

Getting my European style on.

 Music museum. One of Daniel's favorite parts!

Things I loved: 

Walking everywhere! 

Coffee

Pastries/bread 

Architecture

Museums

Candy

Gelato

The canals 

The history of the city 

Time with my little family 

Fresh fish at restaurants

Things I didn't love:

The size of coffees. I need a bigger cup! Lol 

Walking up stairs with a stroller everywhere 

Smoke. Everyone smoked! Yuck 

Not getting as many veggies as I would have liked at meals 

Super expensive city 

Having to walk miles to find a bathroom and having to pay to use them (for real, pregnancy and bladder issues are enough to make you go broke here lol)

Overall, a successful first trip! We learned how to pack better, how to plan our day excursions, and how to manage with a toddler and his needs. We feel so blessed to have these opportunities for travel here. Next trip will be over Thanksgiving: London, here we come!!!!

Baby wheeler #2: weeks 14&15

14 Well ya'll it's been a crazy week or so, so I'm combining these two weeks. We're leaving for Venice on Wednesday, so we've been getting ready for that! I hope to write some travel blogs with pics for that trip next. 

How far along? 15 weeks 1 day 

How big is the baby? Naval orange 4.5 in 2-3oz

Total weight gain/loss? Only like 1 pound or so at home on my scale. Who really knows. I know I'm gaining some fat and less muscle these days :p

Maternity clothes? When I feel like it.

Sleep? I'm tired a lot. I sleep good at night. I hate waking up on my back though. It makes my back pain worse when this happens. Even before this pregnancy, laying flat on my back was terrible for me. I also love Gideon's nap times even more now, because I usually rest, read, or nap myself. 

Best moment this week?  I thought I felt movement at 14 weeks. Not sure, but it's always a cool feeling. 

Can we do worst moment? Finding out I can't do urology consult until after this pregnancy which is ridiculous. I'm frustrated again with the lack of care I've gotten for this crap, but trying hard to trust God through it all. 

Symptoms? I thought nausea was gone but I had a lot of sickness this week. Not sure if I ate something bad or what. But the best moment was when I grabbed my toddler, who was already upset and proceeding to bang his head on things (his new thing to get attention?), in my lap and then I had the horrible urge to puke, which led to puking all over my kitchen floor/partially my kid and further terrifying my already screaming toddler. Good times at the Wheeler house. Haha 

I also get frequent nosebleeds. And sinus headaches. Fun stuff. 

But all in all, if I didn't have these prior issues going into this, I would count all these symptoms as still feeling good and "normal." 

Food cravings? Still like my spicy stuff and my sweet stuff. Had some awesome Thai food twice last week. 

Food aversions? Not now  

Gender?  Really think it could be a girl, but I just want to know. I know it's common, but I just want to have my boy and girl. we then plan to adopt. (If you're interested to know why we were waiting because I'm a big advocate for adoption, the short story is we're specifically feeling led to China which the adoption age minimum is 30. I'm sure I'll share about that another time). I feel like I will feel more peace about not being able to have another biological child after this if its a girl, but then again, I'd love a little boy again, and I have the perfect name for him. So I know either way in whatever circumstance happens after, our family will be as God wants it to be. And I don't presume to know all the plans about our future, God reminds me all the time that there's no use in that, I'm just sharing my heart along the way. :)

Labor signs? Nope

Belly button in or out? In 

What I miss? All the usual things I've already said. 

What I'm looking forward to? Finding out the gender in December!

Milestones? 2nd trimester and counting.

Bump? Yep it's there. Here's a pic for  weeks 14 & 15

14 weeks

15 weeks. I think my belly is far more exaggerated here because well, that's what you get for taking a pic after a big lunch. 

Baby Wheeler #2: week 13

Alright week 13. I've written this one several times actually but I guess I didn't save it, so it's taken me a while to post. 

How far along? 13 weeks! (Well 13 weeks 5 days by the time this goes up!)

How big is the baby? Peach, 3 in. long

Total weight gain/loss? Still hard to tell. Less than a pound if I'm at home on my scale but all dressed with shoes on in a doctors office maybe 3 ish. 

Maternity clothes? When I feel like it...or when it's the first thing to grab. Thinking I'll be needing too before I know it though!

Sleep? Sleeping good still. Daniel and I love our night time reading books before bed routine. We get some relaxing quiet time and it makes us sleepy...Yep, were old people, we know, but we embrace it these days ;-)

Best moment this week?  Having a successful doctor's appointment to talk about my "issues." By successful, I mean, the doctor listened to me and wasn't rude. Others have made my standards low. Nothing new solved really but hopefully I'll be getting a urology consult soon to start talking post birth. 

Symptoms? Nausea is finally disappearin. Moodiness and emotional unstableness (is that word?) is unfortunately not.  I have other not so pretty symptoms but I'll just keep those to myself for all our sakes. 

Food cravings? Let's see...I actually feel like I do crave things with this pregnancy. Again, so different than Gideon. I've been craving my fave red chili paste! Thank goodness it came in the mail yesterday! Also pickles. That has been a constant since I first found out I was prego. I'm a classic pregnant lady that way. And chocolate and Nutella! I love sweets these days but trying not give in as much as I want to to every craving. Don't worry, I do not eat these things at the same time. I still have standards. ;-)

Food aversions? I really do not want marinara sauce! Yuck. No idea why really. 

Gender?  It's gotta be a girl! I need to know!

Labor signs? Nope

Belly button in or out? In 

What I miss? Running. Working out in general. It's almost non existant these days, and I'm really trying to do stuff. It just hurts me. I want to be normal again. (Not really pregnancy related though. If your prego and can run, go for it!)

What I'm looking forward to? I really am getting more excited about seeing this sweet baby. I know it will feel so small compared to my growing 16 month old. It hasn't felt real yet, but slowly I'm picturing life with two littles. 

Milestones? Hello 2nd trimester!

Bump? Um I feel huge. Everywhere. I don't think I look it in this pic. But if I showed you. Others, maybe. Ha.

In case you're wondering, yes, sweats, yoga pants, workout clothes are my everyday attire most days. 

And because I feel I should always Gideon, check out the cutest big brother ever. <3

 

Learning to Trust God...again

There are probably a million blogs and/or articles or books out there about learning to trust God and I've probably read a good handful of them. That doesn't make it any easier to live it out though, huh? I feel like I go through seasons, like everyone I'm sure, where trusting is easier and then ones when it's a grudging daily battle. I am grouping my trusting God with my battle with anxiety which has been going on for nearly all my life. Some of my anxiety or stress (I don't have any clinical anxiety or serious issues if that's what you're thinking) I actually embrace as a part of who I am now. If it wasn't for some stress and the urge to get things done, achieve, etc., I don't think I would have been as successful as I have been in school or with the goals I set for myself. So, some of it I just call me, and I've developed a bit of, "if you don't like it then sorry, don't try to change me" attitude. Ha. But, the other part, the part that makes me tense up with fear when I think of something I'm worried about, and the part that drives me to tears and anxiousness, that part I don't like, and I daily try to kill. I feel that anxiety is best killed by trust in the Lord. When I'm anxious and stressed to the point of which it's not productive, I know the enemy is trying to use it to steer my mind away from trust. I feel like before my husband was deployed and I started to deal with all the pain of the health issues that came about, I had it in check. I felt I could say my relationship with God was great and I trusted Him fully. It's always when things are going just right, so to speak, that the enemy likes to tempt you, right? Well, as I said in a previous post, those months of pain and without my husband were very hard. I wouldn't have described the relationship with God as great during that time, even though I was praying hard and trying hard to trust, I just couldn't trust that He had my good in mind. I couldn't understand. I feel like even if things are hard, if I can just understand what He's doing, then I could just relax. If I could just see around the corner. If I could just know the hard stuff wouldn't last forever, I could hold on. Anyone with me? Of course, that's just not how God works. He doesn't need us to understand or "get" what He's doing. He's God and we are not. That's it. Still, I'm constantly trying to fight that. I just want to understand. That has been my battle. 

The point of all this though is not to share how plagued I am by anxiety or how I have suffered through a season, but rather, to say I'm coming into the light. I feel like I'm once again learning to trust God. He's been right with me through everything after all. His love and goodness have been constant. It's only my perspective that changes. (Try thinking about that when you're in a low place. Blows your mind!) I have recently realized (okay probably just re-realized) that it doesn't matter that I "get it". Sure, my flesh will always try to make sense of things, but in the end, it isn't about me getting the bigger picture. The only big picture I need to get is that God is God, and I am not. And He is working for the good of those who love him. Something that has recently given me a whole new perspective in a practical way is from a devotional reading in Jesus Calling. The reading talks of anxiety as the result of envisioning a future without God and encourages that when we think of the future and the fear sets in, instead, to think of and truly picture God being there and how he will meet our needs in the situation. Basically a mental discipline of positive imagery. I'm a visual person, and this has truly changed everything for me! I have constantly been a worrier of the future or particular events that are coming. I will spend far too much energy on what I will say, what needs to happen, and play it through on repeat in my head. But why do I waste all this time!? I know God's truth and I know He's here today, but why don't I picture Him in tomorrow!? This has blown my mind. The imagery of picturing God being there and how, even if my worst fears happen, He's going to help me through it is incredible! I challenge you to try this if you don't do it already. In our Christian circles, I feel like we talk a lot of "big talk" about defeating the devil and trusting God, but it's not always the nitty gritty practical advice. Ya'll, this is as practical as it gets. If your

mind slips into worry, which it will, try not to stay in it, but if you do have to go there, picture God there. How will He help this situation? Seriously, a game changer if you ask me. This is not heavy theological advice, it's ridiculously simple, and I've sure benefitted from it. All of this to say, along with all the other million things I'm doing in this new season, this is one of them. I'm trusting God with my present and future. The issues that bothered me before and got me stuck in a whirlwind of depression are still the same issues I have, but the God who was good then is still good now, and if I let Him He'll take care of everything, even if "I don't get it," and for that I am eternally grateful. 

I pray that anyone who is reading this, if you are not already doing so, will turn from any anxiety that is plaguing you, any worry of the future, and TRUST God. I promise He won't let you down. You may not get what you think you need or want, and you may be clueless along the way to get wherever it is you're going, but that's OKAY! Let him handle the hard stuff. He's far more equipped than us. Breathe easier knowing how much of today you are saving by not letting tomorrow fill it. Be present! Be present! Be present! I cannot say that enough. To myself and to you. Be here today. As I quote all the time from Jim Elliot, "Wherever you are, be all there."

Here is a screenshot of the simple devo in case you're interested. It's in Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

Baby Wheeler #2: week 12

Alright friends, time for week 12. Again, my actual week change is Sunday, but let's be real, if I get the blog up anytime in the week itself, we can call it good.:-)

How far along? 12 weeks!

How big is the baby? Large plum, 2 1/2 inches .5 oz.

Total weight gain/loss? Still hard to tell. Every day I've weighed a little different, and I'm not that concerned about getting on a scale. Gave that up a long time ago, thank goodness.  

Maternity clothes? I did realize I've been wearing my maternity jeggings. But I have been wearing those since Gideon! I love those things. Who needs real jeans. Maternity pants forever!

Sleep? Sleeping good. Went to later than usual last night though, boo. I do have to say that I am officially worried about this next child's sleeping patterns. Gideon is still sleeping and going on 13 hours! 12-13 is his norm, and has been for quite a while. I know all moms can't say that, so we're blessed. What are the chances of the next kid doing the same? Im nervous. Maybe it's all due to a schedule, I don't know, but I'll do whatever it takes ha. 

Best moment this week? Getting to sit down and enjoy a movie by myself while Gideon took a nap. It's been craziness trying to get this house organized and it's still not done, but I'm glad it was organized enough that I could take a break. 

Symptoms? Still some nausea even with medicine, but it's getting better I think. I am so moody and I want to cry all the time. Okay, part of that is just me, but my poor husband can attest to this being more exaggerated than usual. 

Food cravings? Chili!! With jalapeños! Totally made it on monday and had way too much. But, I don't regret a thing. ;)

Food aversions? Smells set me off. Like the smell of leftovers in the fridge. All bad smells come from the fridge these days. But no particular aversion I guess. 

Gender?  I really have no idea.

Labor signs? Nope

Belly button in or out? In 

What I miss? At the risk of sounding like an alcoholic, I won't share that I miss wine every week. Haha. But just know, I do. I miss ablot of other things but that's really due to not being in America not the pregnancy. 

What I'm looking forward to? Meeting this baby! And finally moving forward to "fix" everything that has been causing me so much pain. (If you don't know what I'm talking about go back and read my blog post about postpartum issues).  I will say that I've actually had less pain so far being pregnant than I did for the last 6 months! I feel like God may be healing me through this pregnancy. But that is taking a lot of faith to believe. We will see. Please keep praying :)

Milestones? Last week of the first trimester!!! Yippee!

Bump? I'm definitely feeling more pregnant. There's a little something. 

Baby Wheeler #2: Week 11

Okay, so I'm going to start tracking the pregnancy! I really don't know how committed in going to stay to this, because I wasn't that great with Gideon, but I'll try this template and go from here. This is for week 11 which technically started last Sunday, so I may have some back to back posts. I do promise that I will not go overboard with pregnancy posts. I want to share some things about Germany and our house but I'm still unpacking so I want better pics than piles of boxes 😉 

Here we go...

How far along? 11 weeks!

How big is the baby? Lime, 2 inches 3 oz (at least according to my pregnancy app)

Total weight gain/loss? Hmm maybe like gained 3 pounds. Hard to tell right now. I fluctuate all the time anyway. 

Maternity clothes? I've worn a few only bc I wear whatever I can find out if the mess of clothes and boxes on our floor right now lol

Sleep? Sleeping good still! 

Best moment this week? Hmm pregnancy moment? There's really nothing going on yet. Besides thinking there's movement and realizing it's probably gas. Ha! Other than that, getting our furniture so I can finally start making this feel like home was the best this week 👍🏻

Symptoms? I've been super nauseous with this pregnancy! I'm taking some medicine to help with that now so it's much better but still I can't get any foods to quite taste the same as they did before. Also my sense of smell has been out if this world! Everything stinks! If the smell is there, I notice it. Daniel cannot shower enough to keep up with this these days.;-)

Food cravings? Hmm no real cravings. Besides all I want is Mexican food! But I think that's just because I can't have it, not pregnancy related. I mean, we tried it here but seriously, that was a waste of 50 euro. Yuck! Ain't nobody got nothin on Texas. 

Food aversions? I've had a lot. Always the healthy stuff. Chicken, veggies, etc but I'm actually coming out if that a bit now. I've honestly ate so much u healthier this pregnancy than I have ever eatenkstky bc feeling nauseous and being in a whole new place where you can't cook much (in temporary housing) did not hive us many good options. Luckily we have a house now and I'm trying to get back to healthy, which is what I prefer anyway. :-)

Gender? Since I've been sick and everything feels different, my guess is a girl, but honestly who knows. I could be destined for a house full of boys!  I would love every last stinky one though.

Labor signs? Nope, thank goodness!

Belly button in or out? Still in. Never came out for Gideon. We'll see. 

What I miss? WINE! All day, every day. I would say coffee, but let's be real, I did not give it up this time around. Cutting back to one cup counts right? That's what I thought. 

What I'm looking forward to? Wine!! Okay and a squishy little baby to love...while I sip my wine. ;-)

Milestones? A couple more weeks until the end of the first trimester! I'll celebrate that. 

Bump? Not really much yet, except bloat. Maybe a little. Probably bigger than I was at the same week with Gideon. You can judge for yourself. I'll include pictures if I'm brave enough each week...unless I blow up on this one. Which I'm not convinced wont happen. 

I do love chocolate.  

Just don't judge the room. Like I said, were living in boxes. This is the best I can do. 

And here's this because Gideon wanted to be on here too ;-) love this kid.