Baby Wheeler #2: week 13

Alright week 13. I've written this one several times actually but I guess I didn't save it, so it's taken me a while to post. 

How far along? 13 weeks! (Well 13 weeks 5 days by the time this goes up!)

How big is the baby? Peach, 3 in. long

Total weight gain/loss? Still hard to tell. Less than a pound if I'm at home on my scale but all dressed with shoes on in a doctors office maybe 3 ish. 

Maternity clothes? When I feel like it...or when it's the first thing to grab. Thinking I'll be needing too before I know it though!

Sleep? Sleeping good still. Daniel and I love our night time reading books before bed routine. We get some relaxing quiet time and it makes us sleepy...Yep, were old people, we know, but we embrace it these days ;-)

Best moment this week?  Having a successful doctor's appointment to talk about my "issues." By successful, I mean, the doctor listened to me and wasn't rude. Others have made my standards low. Nothing new solved really but hopefully I'll be getting a urology consult soon to start talking post birth. 

Symptoms? Nausea is finally disappearin. Moodiness and emotional unstableness (is that word?) is unfortunately not.  I have other not so pretty symptoms but I'll just keep those to myself for all our sakes. 

Food cravings? Let's see...I actually feel like I do crave things with this pregnancy. Again, so different than Gideon. I've been craving my fave red chili paste! Thank goodness it came in the mail yesterday! Also pickles. That has been a constant since I first found out I was prego. I'm a classic pregnant lady that way. And chocolate and Nutella! I love sweets these days but trying not give in as much as I want to to every craving. Don't worry, I do not eat these things at the same time. I still have standards. ;-)

Food aversions? I really do not want marinara sauce! Yuck. No idea why really. 

Gender?  It's gotta be a girl! I need to know!

Labor signs? Nope

Belly button in or out? In 

What I miss? Running. Working out in general. It's almost non existant these days, and I'm really trying to do stuff. It just hurts me. I want to be normal again. (Not really pregnancy related though. If your prego and can run, go for it!)

What I'm looking forward to? I really am getting more excited about seeing this sweet baby. I know it will feel so small compared to my growing 16 month old. It hasn't felt real yet, but slowly I'm picturing life with two littles. 

Milestones? Hello 2nd trimester!

Bump? Um I feel huge. Everywhere. I don't think I look it in this pic. But if I showed you. Others, maybe. Ha.

In case you're wondering, yes, sweats, yoga pants, workout clothes are my everyday attire most days. 

And because I feel I should always Gideon, check out the cutest big brother ever. <3

 

Learning to Trust God...again

There are probably a million blogs and/or articles or books out there about learning to trust God and I've probably read a good handful of them. That doesn't make it any easier to live it out though, huh? I feel like I go through seasons, like everyone I'm sure, where trusting is easier and then ones when it's a grudging daily battle. I am grouping my trusting God with my battle with anxiety which has been going on for nearly all my life. Some of my anxiety or stress (I don't have any clinical anxiety or serious issues if that's what you're thinking) I actually embrace as a part of who I am now. If it wasn't for some stress and the urge to get things done, achieve, etc., I don't think I would have been as successful as I have been in school or with the goals I set for myself. So, some of it I just call me, and I've developed a bit of, "if you don't like it then sorry, don't try to change me" attitude. Ha. But, the other part, the part that makes me tense up with fear when I think of something I'm worried about, and the part that drives me to tears and anxiousness, that part I don't like, and I daily try to kill. I feel that anxiety is best killed by trust in the Lord. When I'm anxious and stressed to the point of which it's not productive, I know the enemy is trying to use it to steer my mind away from trust. I feel like before my husband was deployed and I started to deal with all the pain of the health issues that came about, I had it in check. I felt I could say my relationship with God was great and I trusted Him fully. It's always when things are going just right, so to speak, that the enemy likes to tempt you, right? Well, as I said in a previous post, those months of pain and without my husband were very hard. I wouldn't have described the relationship with God as great during that time, even though I was praying hard and trying hard to trust, I just couldn't trust that He had my good in mind. I couldn't understand. I feel like even if things are hard, if I can just understand what He's doing, then I could just relax. If I could just see around the corner. If I could just know the hard stuff wouldn't last forever, I could hold on. Anyone with me? Of course, that's just not how God works. He doesn't need us to understand or "get" what He's doing. He's God and we are not. That's it. Still, I'm constantly trying to fight that. I just want to understand. That has been my battle. 

The point of all this though is not to share how plagued I am by anxiety or how I have suffered through a season, but rather, to say I'm coming into the light. I feel like I'm once again learning to trust God. He's been right with me through everything after all. His love and goodness have been constant. It's only my perspective that changes. (Try thinking about that when you're in a low place. Blows your mind!) I have recently realized (okay probably just re-realized) that it doesn't matter that I "get it". Sure, my flesh will always try to make sense of things, but in the end, it isn't about me getting the bigger picture. The only big picture I need to get is that God is God, and I am not. And He is working for the good of those who love him. Something that has recently given me a whole new perspective in a practical way is from a devotional reading in Jesus Calling. The reading talks of anxiety as the result of envisioning a future without God and encourages that when we think of the future and the fear sets in, instead, to think of and truly picture God being there and how he will meet our needs in the situation. Basically a mental discipline of positive imagery. I'm a visual person, and this has truly changed everything for me! I have constantly been a worrier of the future or particular events that are coming. I will spend far too much energy on what I will say, what needs to happen, and play it through on repeat in my head. But why do I waste all this time!? I know God's truth and I know He's here today, but why don't I picture Him in tomorrow!? This has blown my mind. The imagery of picturing God being there and how, even if my worst fears happen, He's going to help me through it is incredible! I challenge you to try this if you don't do it already. In our Christian circles, I feel like we talk a lot of "big talk" about defeating the devil and trusting God, but it's not always the nitty gritty practical advice. Ya'll, this is as practical as it gets. If your

mind slips into worry, which it will, try not to stay in it, but if you do have to go there, picture God there. How will He help this situation? Seriously, a game changer if you ask me. This is not heavy theological advice, it's ridiculously simple, and I've sure benefitted from it. All of this to say, along with all the other million things I'm doing in this new season, this is one of them. I'm trusting God with my present and future. The issues that bothered me before and got me stuck in a whirlwind of depression are still the same issues I have, but the God who was good then is still good now, and if I let Him He'll take care of everything, even if "I don't get it," and for that I am eternally grateful. 

I pray that anyone who is reading this, if you are not already doing so, will turn from any anxiety that is plaguing you, any worry of the future, and TRUST God. I promise He won't let you down. You may not get what you think you need or want, and you may be clueless along the way to get wherever it is you're going, but that's OKAY! Let him handle the hard stuff. He's far more equipped than us. Breathe easier knowing how much of today you are saving by not letting tomorrow fill it. Be present! Be present! Be present! I cannot say that enough. To myself and to you. Be here today. As I quote all the time from Jim Elliot, "Wherever you are, be all there."

Here is a screenshot of the simple devo in case you're interested. It's in Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

Baby Wheeler #2: week 12

Alright friends, time for week 12. Again, my actual week change is Sunday, but let's be real, if I get the blog up anytime in the week itself, we can call it good.:-)

How far along? 12 weeks!

How big is the baby? Large plum, 2 1/2 inches .5 oz.

Total weight gain/loss? Still hard to tell. Every day I've weighed a little different, and I'm not that concerned about getting on a scale. Gave that up a long time ago, thank goodness.  

Maternity clothes? I did realize I've been wearing my maternity jeggings. But I have been wearing those since Gideon! I love those things. Who needs real jeans. Maternity pants forever!

Sleep? Sleeping good. Went to later than usual last night though, boo. I do have to say that I am officially worried about this next child's sleeping patterns. Gideon is still sleeping and going on 13 hours! 12-13 is his norm, and has been for quite a while. I know all moms can't say that, so we're blessed. What are the chances of the next kid doing the same? Im nervous. Maybe it's all due to a schedule, I don't know, but I'll do whatever it takes ha. 

Best moment this week? Getting to sit down and enjoy a movie by myself while Gideon took a nap. It's been craziness trying to get this house organized and it's still not done, but I'm glad it was organized enough that I could take a break. 

Symptoms? Still some nausea even with medicine, but it's getting better I think. I am so moody and I want to cry all the time. Okay, part of that is just me, but my poor husband can attest to this being more exaggerated than usual. 

Food cravings? Chili!! With jalapeños! Totally made it on monday and had way too much. But, I don't regret a thing. ;)

Food aversions? Smells set me off. Like the smell of leftovers in the fridge. All bad smells come from the fridge these days. But no particular aversion I guess. 

Gender?  I really have no idea.

Labor signs? Nope

Belly button in or out? In 

What I miss? At the risk of sounding like an alcoholic, I won't share that I miss wine every week. Haha. But just know, I do. I miss ablot of other things but that's really due to not being in America not the pregnancy. 

What I'm looking forward to? Meeting this baby! And finally moving forward to "fix" everything that has been causing me so much pain. (If you don't know what I'm talking about go back and read my blog post about postpartum issues).  I will say that I've actually had less pain so far being pregnant than I did for the last 6 months! I feel like God may be healing me through this pregnancy. But that is taking a lot of faith to believe. We will see. Please keep praying :)

Milestones? Last week of the first trimester!!! Yippee!

Bump? I'm definitely feeling more pregnant. There's a little something. 

Baby Wheeler #2: Week 11

Okay, so I'm going to start tracking the pregnancy! I really don't know how committed in going to stay to this, because I wasn't that great with Gideon, but I'll try this template and go from here. This is for week 11 which technically started last Sunday, so I may have some back to back posts. I do promise that I will not go overboard with pregnancy posts. I want to share some things about Germany and our house but I'm still unpacking so I want better pics than piles of boxes 😉 

Here we go...

How far along? 11 weeks!

How big is the baby? Lime, 2 inches 3 oz (at least according to my pregnancy app)

Total weight gain/loss? Hmm maybe like gained 3 pounds. Hard to tell right now. I fluctuate all the time anyway. 

Maternity clothes? I've worn a few only bc I wear whatever I can find out if the mess of clothes and boxes on our floor right now lol

Sleep? Sleeping good still! 

Best moment this week? Hmm pregnancy moment? There's really nothing going on yet. Besides thinking there's movement and realizing it's probably gas. Ha! Other than that, getting our furniture so I can finally start making this feel like home was the best this week 👍🏻

Symptoms? I've been super nauseous with this pregnancy! I'm taking some medicine to help with that now so it's much better but still I can't get any foods to quite taste the same as they did before. Also my sense of smell has been out if this world! Everything stinks! If the smell is there, I notice it. Daniel cannot shower enough to keep up with this these days.;-)

Food cravings? Hmm no real cravings. Besides all I want is Mexican food! But I think that's just because I can't have it, not pregnancy related. I mean, we tried it here but seriously, that was a waste of 50 euro. Yuck! Ain't nobody got nothin on Texas. 

Food aversions? I've had a lot. Always the healthy stuff. Chicken, veggies, etc but I'm actually coming out if that a bit now. I've honestly ate so much u healthier this pregnancy than I have ever eatenkstky bc feeling nauseous and being in a whole new place where you can't cook much (in temporary housing) did not hive us many good options. Luckily we have a house now and I'm trying to get back to healthy, which is what I prefer anyway. :-)

Gender? Since I've been sick and everything feels different, my guess is a girl, but honestly who knows. I could be destined for a house full of boys!  I would love every last stinky one though.

Labor signs? Nope, thank goodness!

Belly button in or out? Still in. Never came out for Gideon. We'll see. 

What I miss? WINE! All day, every day. I would say coffee, but let's be real, I did not give it up this time around. Cutting back to one cup counts right? That's what I thought. 

What I'm looking forward to? Wine!! Okay and a squishy little baby to love...while I sip my wine. ;-)

Milestones? A couple more weeks until the end of the first trimester! I'll celebrate that. 

Bump? Not really much yet, except bloat. Maybe a little. Probably bigger than I was at the same week with Gideon. You can judge for yourself. I'll include pictures if I'm brave enough each week...unless I blow up on this one. Which I'm not convinced wont happen. 

I do love chocolate.  

Just don't judge the room. Like I said, were living in boxes. This is the best I can do. 

And here's this because Gideon wanted to be on here too ;-) love this kid.

Filling in the Gaps: my postpartum journey

Well hello again!

To start this post with some exciting news: I am now 11 weeks and 1 day pregnant with baby number 2! So excited. More to come on all the fun pregnancy details. :-)

So, as I promised, I want to share just a little about some issues I've been dealing with basically since the birth of my son. **disclaimer: while I promise not too over share for all our sakes, if you don't care to read about postpartum issues and the truth of natural birth, then please don't read this post**

I could make this story super long, but I just want to share the basics so you know some of the struggles I've been dealing with this past year and where my heart has been. Plus, I don't think people talk about the postpartum issues that can happen sometimes, and not everyone's body goes back to normal as promised. No. Matter. How. Healthy. You. Are. 

Let me start by just saying that even as I write this, I am struggling to sit still. Since I gave birth I have had SO much pain just sitting. At first, of course, this looked like a normal part if recovery. After all, I did push a human being out of a very small space, with no drugs I might add. Not to mention, I had to have an emergency vacuum extraction. I felt every bit of that pain and the horrendous back pain that was worse than the labor itself, which I now think was part of my "issues" actually happening. Anyway, this isn't a birth story, but don't be fooled into thinking that the beautiful picture of bringing a baby into this world is truly "beautiful" the whole time.  I'll refrain from continuing here. 

Well, I assumed I was "normal" and after my 6 week check up, I got back to my running. I had ran the entire pregnancy up until the day before I gave birth, and I missed it terribly, I trained and I ran a half marathon 4 months postpartum. I PRd and felt on top of the world. But something just didn't feel right. I told Daniel that day that "my uterus hurt". I laughed when I said it, but I didn't know how to describe what I felt other than that. I rested, and went back to normal. Come December of last year (about 6 months postpartum), I got a terrible terrible backache and things definitely didn't feel right nor did I think they "looked right". Like I said, I'll keep this G rated. But long story short, as soon as I got into the doctor that day, I discovered I had something called a prolapse. I didn't know much about it at the time, but now I know that I have pelvic organ prolapse and just about every pelvic organ down there is in the wrong place. It really is quite a "personal" issue so if you feel inclined to look it up, go for it. If stuff just stopped there, I think I'd have survived some of the emotional trauma I went through, but it doesn't. Not only did I find this out, but my pain just continued to worsen and over the next 6 months (also ironically the one time my husband has to get deployed) I had so much pain and so many symptoms that just didn't perfectly match my issues. For example, my toes would go numb, I couldn't even sit long enough to drive in the car, I had burning in places that you just don't want to know about, etc. I saw so many doctors, was bounced around between clinics, and had the longest wait times to actually get seen for severe pain. My frustration with the care I was getting was terrible and was probably more than half the battle.I tried pelvic floor therapy and that made everything worse. One day, I was in so much pain in the office with the PF therapist and so frustrated she couldn't tell me what to do that I broke down in tears. I felt completely alone and so far from my husband in the worse season of my life. (I've had some tough seasons of life before if you know some stories, but yep, I now say this was the worst season.) To make matters worse, instead of offering to truly help the therapist's first response was "you know we have counseling on the third floor here if you need to talk to someone." If you would have heard what I wanted to tell that lady. Oh. My. Goodness. Needless to say, half my battle was with the doctors and trying to figure out what the heck was going on.  I wish I could say I have it all figured out now but I don't. I did figure out, after an MRI, and X-rays that I have issues with my discs in my lower back as well as a terribly straight spine. I have plenty of thoughts on how it's all connected and that its all really due to my pelvic floor, but because I have yet to find a doctor that will look at the whole picture, I still don't have all the answers. I do know that even with prolapse I can still have more children if you are concerned about that. But I knew going in to this pregnancy (it was planned) that It would be completely different than my first and that I would still struggle with ache and pains that others don't. I also have had to give up one of the biggest joys in my life: running. No doctor has told me to give it up, but I'm basically  my own doctor these days, I know enough to know that I don't want to make matters worse. I could write a whole blog about how much I miss running and working out. I just miss it. Everything about it. It's probably one of the biggest reasons I've struggled with depression through this season. It's always been a part of who I am, and trying to live without it has been so hard. But I'm praying it's only temporary and clinging to hope I'll get to run again. 

So where we are now is we are currently exploring options (at the mercy of helpful doctors we pray to find!) for surgical repairs and truly fixing the issues-back and prolapse. But we are still seeking answers. And healing. And for this pregnancy to be healthy and for this baby to be born healthy. This could be our last child (not counting adoption -we have future plans!) if surgery is the best option. All of these things are in God's hands and part of my purpose in writing all this, if you took the time to read it,is to please pray for me. I know I don't have cancer, and things could be much worse for me, but this issue has caused a lot of trial in my life this last year. A lot of pain. A lot of questioning. A lot of doubting honestly. My faith has definitely been tested with the trials that motherhood has brought me, but despite all these things, I would do it all again to have my son. I love my son, the gift that God gave me, more than anything in this world (along with my husband), and I am willing to go through pregnancy again because I know that being a mother is God's calling on my life. And you know what happens when God calls you to something great, right? The devil tries to steal and destroy it. I've lived this battle with other gifts in my life. I have fought for what God has blessed me with, and I don't intend to give up now, even though, I've seriously thought about it during this past season. If I can share anything from my experiences it is this: fight for your blessings. Don't let the devil steal your joy; Whether it's in your marriage, with your children, with your own self worth. Don't let him win the battle. God is for us, and He is still on His throne. He is fighting for me and things I am dealing with. And he is fighting for you too. But we have a part to play in it. I wish this life was easy once we became believers, but the hard truth is that it's not, it's often harder because we see the battle being waged before us. We see the weight of the fight. But we can also rest knowing that we are on the winning side. This is my reminder to you and to myself. 

Thanks for letting me be transparent with some of this. I feel like this is long, but I know it's only a glimpse into the story. I pray I have good updates to share in the future. I am believing in faith that I will. 

Now on to happy posts about babies and travels. Just because we have struggles to endure doesn't mean we don't also have beauty too. <3

Touching Base

Blogger friends,

Since I know you are all anxiously awaiting my updates on things (:p) I just wanted to say that I promise I haven't forgotten about blogging again. I have some baby updates and a health post I promised in the works, but I'm waiting on getting some internet at our house. So stay tuned! Also coming soon, travel posts! So excited to get to share our European adventures. Oh the places we'll go.... :-)